Tuesday, June 20, 2006
My dad was ranting on and on about not reading any books the whole of yesterday.He told me I'm wearing time away here,not gaining anything by using the computer and watching tv all day long.And I know that!I know I'm wasting time,I know I'm not gaining any skills or knowledge,I know I should do something more productive,I know I know I KNOW!!!!Every single holiday since pri 1 is spent like that.And I can tell by myself I've wasted alot of time.If I look back now,I can't find anything I achieved during the holidays for the past 6 years.And I know it!Ok,it's my choice I want to spend my holidays like that!Reading some freaking book is a HOBBY.Not something to be forced upon people.
Last night my dad was trying to make me realise I gotta do something more productive.It just so happened that the "productive" thing he was refering to was BOOKS!!!!!!Wth is so good about books?At the very most,it improves ur english but that's all!I rebutted my dad last night with a very rebellious tone.I raised my voice,talked back and when I hear myself talking,I sounded so rebellious.I didn't really want it that way.I know that somehow I'm hurting him but I just couldn't help myself.Neither do I know why I got so worked up over reading books...
Another thing is that I'm useless.I'M A PIECE OF CRAP!!I'm not good at anything at all.I'm just shit.No interests in anything,no achievements,no nothing!The only thing I'm good at is school work.But still,that doesn't count because I'm not working hard to achieve it.But other than school work,I'm shit at everything else!I've been learning piano for 6-8 years?But guess what.I'm still on grade 3!
Learning piano is the greatest regret of my life.
Mum and dad have such high expectations of me... Since young,they signed me up for piano lessons coz I was born with long fingers.However,I was too young to think about exams and grades.My piano teacher was a friend of ours so she too,just let me play casual pieces and didn't sign me up for any exams until pri 5.By that time,I've slowly lost interest in piano and soon thought of practising piano as a chore.But mum and dad still wants me to take more and more exams,they want me to achieve something in life.I thank them for that but this frequently cause me to feel like I'm being forced to do it.My birthday present last year was an ipod but we made a deal that I had to get my grade 3 by the end of that year.If I didn't,they would take my ipod away.In the end,I didn't and it got postponed to this year.Luckily,mum and dad didn't take it away but it still threatens me today.Every now and then the topic of piano will pop up and every conversation about it SUCKS.I really try to avoid talking back.They'll just go on and on about the same stuff they said b4 and I'll be totally silent.But most of the time I'll be crying.Either in my heart or out of my eyes.When I do talk back to them,it always end up the same way.All of us will be angry and lots of time wasted.So I simply shut up.
I kept thinking of quitting piano after my grade 3 exam but I dun have the guts to tell mum and dad.I feel like I let them down.I've disappointed them so much.But if I dun quit,I'll be disappointing myself bcoz I have little interest in piano.That's why I'm in such a dilemma. Last year they signed me up for golf lessons and said that they're taking it very seriously.I tried learning but once again I discovered that if I have no interest in it,my progress will be real slow.During the trip in malaysia,mum was talking to me about my piano and golf in the car.She was really disappointed in me for dropping golf but I so wanted to tell her that it's not my interest but theirs!!I didn't say that coz if I did they would rebut and say something like,"Ok what's ur interest then?Tell us and we'll send u to lessons!" But the BIGGEST problem is that I haven't got any interests.I REALLY REALLY WANT TO FIND OUT WHAT'S MY INTEREST!I WANT TO FIND OUT IF I HAVE ANY TALENT AT ALL. I WANT TO ACHIEVE SOMETHING,SOMETHING THAT I'M INTERESTED IN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I DUN WANNA BE A PIECE OF CRAP...
amanDa @ 10:49 AM
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