I'm really low right now.
Maria I do try to stay positive as well,but sometimes you can't control your head. I don't wanna be so demoralised, so stressed, so pressured, so helpless, so screwed in the head,.. but I just can't help it.

And I know the problem's just me. Me me me. No one put me down, no one pressured me, no one said I can't make it. But I just self imposed everything, I'm such a idiot. I hate myself for thinking such thoughts to weigh my whole day/week down. Maybe I've such got too high an expectation and goal for myself,that when I know I'm going to fall short of it, I start panicking.
I don't know. Really,I dunno myself,never right from the start anyway. I think it's kinda sad to be like that. People ask me what career I wanna head into, but fck I dunno, quit asking! I've also been searching for my strengths in certain areas, perhaps just a high level of interest in any area? Fcuk there's none. I kinda wanna give up on my piano too.
No I don't mean it.I like playing the piano. It's just sometimes,the bad times when things aren't going too good,that my fingers just don't even have the strength to go on. I just had a piano lesson today, and my teacher reminded me that it's NINE days to the exam, and ohhhh great my pieces still sound like some chopped up shit. I confirm,there's no talent to piano. I will see to it that there's no more piano exams. Playing nice pieces to relax and boost my mood is all I need, I dun wanna [play those fcking scales, sing and clap to rhythms and notes, talk abt friggin music history, sightread some short pieces of crap..BAhhhhhhhh
As for sch exams, mehhh I don't think I can really handle my ideal hardcore study anymore. There is no way to cram everything in one day before the exam. I swear I'm gonna consistently study for TEE nxt year and be hell relaxed and calm during the exam weeks,or so I hope. That is ideal, not very realistic but I shall make an effort. Or you know,I don't even need to do well in TEE at all since I have no freaking idea what I wanna be when I graduate,or if I even wanna be anything after graduation.

See how I'm so fcked in the head.Everything I just said is so bull,I won't even think like this normally. I need to fall sick and hole myself up in bed eating ice cream and sleeping all day all night. Or go to the beach and bury myself in the cool cool sand and let the sun take away my iciness.


God I need you back in my life. There's nothing without you. I'm so lost and scared, so angry with myself for drifting away. How can it be so easy to sin and so hard to be righteous and obedient?! It's true I've put you on a shelf ignored when I was going through easy and good times, and only come back crying when I'm stuck in a valley. I know and I know that I've stopped relying on you,stopped drawing nearer to you,even stopped with my prayers. I'm so sorry and regretful. Even now that I'm sorry,it's hard to get back in line. But I do want to, and I will try to. I can see the difference in my life just in the first half and the second half of this year. With you Lord everything's quite a breeze, somehow you provide in every situation and unconsciously I managed everything well. But without you, when I put you aside to concentrate on things I thought needed more time, I start to fall. I see it so clearly that I've lost it all. Everything that I've build up in you,I crashed it in half the time. And I am deeply remorseful and upset with myself. If there's one thing I really want to do, it's to be able to love you and serve you with all of my heart.



Ahh the stuff that goes on in people's heads are pretty damn screwed eh.